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Are We Addicted to Our Bad Behaviors?

I've been bumping up against the topic of cheating lately and it's getting to the point where I need to formally address the topic in an open forum such as this one. Let me just disclose that I've been single for some time now and I don't have to deal with these issues on a personal level. But I see it in the lives of my friends and the world around me. Because of this I am constantly adding to my personal theory of the ideal relationship (for myself). On the subject of cheating, I've narrowed it down to a few questions that classifies the cheating sitation you may encounter and what you might do to offset cheating or be cheated on.

As one of my friends asked, "Why is it single people think they give such great relationship advice?" The truth is that we have perspective. We're not ruled by the emotional storm that overules logical thought when it comes to relationships. We can make clear-cut decisions about things because we're not so invested that we lose sight of what is best.

The Cheated:


How long have you been in this relationship?
I'm not saying it's any better to be cheated on by someone you've just met, but sting should be a lot less. If someone cheats on you early on that has more to say about them than it does about you. Just let it go and move on. Don't try to salvage that situation. Even if they've said the three magic words, even if you have this crazy intense connection. Unless you can learn to live polygamously, you're not going to be happy in the long run.

But for the people who have been together for years, I know that it takes two people to maintain a relationship, but this excuse for cheating, in my opinion, is weak. An emotional agreement shouldn't be breached in retaliation of what someone has or hasn't done if the other party haven't clearly expressed to them their failure to provide emotionally or otherwise. The more arguments you have, the more you are aware of what's wrong. But if you turn those arguments into clear conversation, then you avoid anyone breaching their end of the bargain. You shouldn't have to destroy your relationships just to get out of them.

What is your level of commitment?
Commitment isn't black and white. Knowing the parameters of your commitment can help avoid confusion. Just because someone is your boyfriend, doesn't mean they know all of what that entails.  Love, honor, and cherish are very broad concepts. Mary and Joseph didn't have the same experience. And there sure as heck didn't have Facebook. People have more access to each other, and that is a good and bad thing. People are less likely to stay in relationships because they often find a seemingly more lucrative offer waiting in the wings.

Now, you can make a specific relationship contract for yourself, but it might just become tedious to upkeep. All the checkoffs and lists will only drive to to penny-pinch loving and that should not be your goal. Open communication is essential, even if it's awkward, even if it hurts. The truth really does set you free. The reason people hold back from speaking up is because they're scared of the other person's reaction. If you express that you are open to criticisms, the other person should let you know. If they don't, it's their fault that they are unhappy. If they do, and you don't address their concerns you have to expect that their will be consequences. They could just learn to live with it, or they could learn to live without it. They could just decide to live without you.

Why did, or why do you think, the cheating occured?
Most cheating is carnal. Somebody gets caught up in physical situation that overtakes logic. Sex is like any other drug. People will seek out new forms if the regular stuff isn't cutting it. Is that your fault? No, some people are hard wired cheaters. The trend is that people of divorced parents (usually from infidelity) tend to be cheaters. I don't use that rule. But I've seen cases where it's so horribly true. Sometimes people try so hard not to become their parents that they mirror them exactly and have the nerve to call themselves a "Hopeless romantic." No, you're totally "romantically hopeless,"  But your partner is changing every day and so are you. The challenge is keeping each other informed of the ways you're changing. If your values and needs are diverging you'll know it. The only way to get this information is to talk about it.

What do you think are the long term affects?
What I've noticed from people who  have been cheated on is their inability to trust new relationships. It's not true in all cases, because I know people who've went on to great relationships after being cheated on. I don't know what the success method is, but I'll check it out and get back to you. But it's my beacon for people being able to trust again. I know it's hard, but it can be done. I've seen it with my own two eyes.

One behavior I have seen perpetuated is people who have been cheated on, now rationalize that they can't be in a serious relationship. And when they are, they have to cheat on the other person before they get cheated on. The rationale behind that was so that just in case they get burned, they wouldn't be the only one in the fire. I still think it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, but in Miami strange things tend to happen.

Thinking about all those questions helps you clarify what you've been through and how you need to move forward. This following link is for a book that is mostly geared towards women. But men seem to be less vocal about break-ups. We can't all be Noah Calhoun.

Frisky's Break Up Guide

The Cheaters:

Can I learn from my mistake?
Most people won't agree with this, but cheating doesn't make you a bad person. It's just one of those things in life that can happen when you make bad judgments. Bob Marley was a cheater, yet he is one of the most awesome musicians in history. Curiosity is a powerful emotion. Sometimes it kills a cat, and sometimes it gets you to outer space.

If you've cheated or are cheating continually you need to find out the root of the problem. At some point yes you become a horrible person, and then you get low self-esteem. And then you get trapped in this self-fulfilling prophesy of being this bad person. So yea, learn from it and move on.

Can my relationship be salvaged?
Absolutely, given that your partner is willing. People have forgiven worse things.

What do I do if I am tempted to cheat?
Cheating is more of a choice than a disease. It's not like they have a Cheaters Anonymous group.
(And as I said this to myself...I had to google just to double check, and what do you know? There was a group!)http://cheatersanonymous.ca/default.asp. But if you're having deep seated issues this post probably isn't going to fix that. But learn to identify what is making you want to stray. Often times a  new friend can be the cause of relationship strife. When you get excited about someone who shares your interest it can seem confusing. You interactions can become unknowingly inappropriate. It's best just to talk to you partner and find out what they think. Someone you love has the power to be deeply perceptive about your personality. If a new friendship is threatening your current relationship, you might want to rethink the risk. Remember the rule of 80/20 rule. Most relationships will give you 80% of what you want in the long run. That 20% of excitement and newness can lead you astray. So once you've found that 80% don't put it in jeopardy for temptation.



Are there situations where cheating is allowed?
No. Everyone deserves respect. Even if the person you're with is a Grade-A jerk, just break it off. Don't play that dumb game of suspecting someone is cheating, so you do the same. I hate to see that.


So the link below is the reason I started this post way back when. I am still working on it, so let me know what you think.

9 Reasons Why Men Cheat

You're Nobody till Somebody Loves You?

I think whoever wrote those lyrics should be shot at close range with a Remington Bull-Action rifle. Russ Morgan, Larry Stock, and James Cavanaugh. Pick one. One of these men came up with the hook that so greatly haunts us hopeless romantics looking for love in a city filled with earthworms. I'm somebody, and I know somebody else will agree. You're not a big "nothing" till someone else arrives. You shouldn't sit around and wait until someone else comes along and says "Hey, you're worthy of good things."

Everyone in my generation is waiting for their life to start. They're waiting for that good job that makes you smile on your way in the door. They're looking for that personal fulfillment that comes from doing something that they love. And they're looking for that ever elusive feeling of romance, lust, or somewhere in between. Well pardon me if I don't believe falling in love and dying is the end game here. Because I would hope that I accomplish a lot more. They say a good partner is a complement, and I'm just working on the parts that they shall be accompanying when we finally meet.

Anyway, my main point in addressing all this is to just anchor my peers who are weathering the storm of heartache right now. I know seems awful and dreadful and downright cruel at times. But you get through it. As a great Beatle once said, "I get by with a little help from my friends." We're all looking to establish ourselves, finish our degrees, get that promotion. It's a selfish time. We're all nursing old wounds from ancient heartaches. We're not the people we once were, the ones who would give our hearts so freely and expect someone to honor that trust. As Gaga pointed out in the "Telephone video," we can piece it back together but it's always going to have its cracks. We're always going to have faults. We're the sum of our experiences and knowledge. But we must go forth with renewed faith and sometimes fight our past transgressions. We must not forget the past, but use it to make a brighter future. How does a flower blossom if it doesn't learn to let the light in?

You will love again. And you're somebody, because I love you.

Rumors of my death...

I know I've been pretty useless since my stint over the summer. Not much to report on anything. I guess it wasn't so much that I stopped having an opinion on things, I just rarely thought it made any difference to the world if I were to slipstream it here. Well, 2009 is going to have to change all that. Ladies and Gentlemen, I assure you, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. 

I will write to my heart's content and ... People will read again. 

N. Valentine

Director of ...you thought I was going to say digivation didn't you? 

Director of Wonderful

The East Coast Crawl: Washington D.C.

Greetings my McLovers,

It's been an exhausting 12 days buy I am back home in the MIA. I wrote this long entry just for you. Here are the pictures:

Gallery One

Gallery Two

Gallery Three

You can follow along or read and then look at the pictures. The decision is yours. 

I know it's taking me some time. But I am getting it done slowly but surely. This is the first portion of this blog will of course detail my trip to Washington. The second part will be about New York, which might be shorter because it was only a day or so. And the last, will of course explain certain Facebook albums and give you a little taste of Bean Town.

Possibly everything I have to say about D.C. is in this post. I kept replaying that episode of "Sex and the City" where the Russian says to Carrie, "The world is waiting with breath that is baited." PresSURE right? I genuinely try to blog for me, but realize that other tend to have to read this, so I should make it a little cleaner and more coherent. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a little random. But I believe it's part of my charm. -deep breath- So here it is. My trip to D.C. in a turtleshell.

Welcome to the real D.C.

I started this journey like any other college student. Armed with wild dreams, some meager savings, and a stark curiosity for the world around me I set out into the east coast and began my spiritual trek. I started off looking for myself and my "stolen identity" and what I found was that and so much more. I found solace in the power of ice cream. I know it sounds very Zen of me, but the truth is, this journey ended the way it started, with my burning desire to get some good cream.

For weeks before my trip I had been yearning for good ice cream. And it wasn't just any ice cream, it's was a very distinct flavor made by two of my favorite men Ben and Jerry (IDK if they're brothers, lovers, whatever. Wikipedia says they're friends, let's just go with that). But Margo Berman (A Professor at FIU and a creative guru I might add) shared all kinds on interesting stories in my Summer A class. For the most part I followed up on them. Imagine things like elephants painting with unbelievable skill. Imagine a cat that can predict death in hospice patients. Think about dolphins that know you're pregnant even before an EPT. And fathom a Gorilla that knows sign language and signed that she wants to have a cub to teach it sign language. Bridging the gap between species? It's possible. That last one might have just been a result of my Berman exposure, but nonetheless all amazing stories of life that people don't know enough about.

One day she tells the class about this ice cream from Ben and Jerry's. She says it's this amazing flavor that encompasses many interesting flavors and it's called "Everything but the..." most likely adopted from the popular saying "Everything but the kitchen sink." So, of course I can't find it in my neighborhood. I checked like five supermarkets and nothing. Nada. ZIP. The situation begins to resemble the theme of wanting the thing you can't have. So I gave up. I had this amazing journey planned across the East Coast, I had to put my quest for cream on hold and I did. Or so I thought.

Washington, D.C.

Raegan International is connected to the metro. which I thought was just brilliant. I ended up by George Washington hospital. You knew that. I'm still kind of upset I couldn't navigate a lick, even with the aid of my fanciPhone, I couldn't even find a Starbucks. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the Starbucks on my map was the one in the hospital and it just kept me running around in circles.

The first thing I noticed about D.C. (This was even before I got there) is that people call it just that: D.C.. If you say just Washington, it's too ambiguous. People tend to think of Seattle (Which is also where my mind goes because I am a "Grey's Anatomy" freak and I have a thing for ferry boats.) But, the second thing to notice is the architecture. It's gorgeous. It's not bright neon colors like the stylish and deco Miami Beach. The buildings are old and all have distinct personalities. I just adore classic and gothic architecture. Even the 7-11 looked like it could have been an Embassy for slirpies.

D.C. is designed for walking. The area surrounding the White House is an intricate web of streets filled with traffic circles. The urban planners were on top of their game when it came to laying out our nation's capital. I think all the roundabouts might be a bit much for Miami drivers, but I enjoy them thoroughly. But they really help merge so many streets and utilize so much more space. I especially enjoy that there are parks in the center of them, usually adorned with fountains memorializing old dead fellows.

I did all my adventuring alone the first day. Andrew had work and I had nothing but time so I spent that time blogging up a storm until I realized I should have been out there exploring. So I packed my bag with all my tourist gear and my Principles of PR book (see I was being responsible) and headed out. I figured I could read a few chapters in the park. Which park you might ask? Pretty much I had my pick. Like I said... Washington has parks galore. I headed over to the White House. As you can see by the many buildings I shot in my album, it was quite a walk on foot, but not impossible.

This is the part where I have to warn you about my photography. It's horrendous when I am traveling alone. I hate looking like a tourist even though I know it's obvious I must be one if I am taking a picture of a random building. That's another thing. My pictures are just so random. I might not get the angle or even the right portion what I am taking a picture of on purpose. I think it adds a little spice to my pictures. I kind of like when they're blurry too. It leaves a little to the imagination. I know it makes for really original photographs. LOL. Which explains in part why I only have shots of the back of the White House. I knew it looked a little funny. I don't think they were letting you out front without an appointment or something of that nature. So continued upward towards the Jefferson Memorial. I think it might have been the most beautiful sight I was fortunate enough to see my entire trip.

I then went to the National Mall which is not as much shopping as you might think. There was actually a Folk Festival which threw me off a little. A lot of tents and weird music. It drove me right into the Smithsonian Museum of National History.

Who knew Washington D.C. would ever interest me as a travel destination? I am really glad I went and saw it for myself. It kind of solidified my dwindling feelings of patriotism. It also made me pray even harder that Obama wins. I think this country could really benefit from a new perspective. Is there anyone that thinks old Caucasian male is an outdated criteria for a president, please raise your hand. Anyway...so no stores at the National Mall, just rocks and now that I check out the layout online. I was suppose to see the Capital Hill. I actually ended up stumbling into the Smithsonian Museum of Nat'l History which was really cute. I know scientists are groaning as they might read this. It was cute? Yes...it was cute. It was dead stuffed animals and rocks. The jewelry was stunning. I didn't get to take enough pictures of them. But, the taxidermic animals there were possibly more lively than the animals at the Zoo. Only up side was that the Zoo and mostly all of the Museums were free. The pizza at the Natural History Museum. -Thumbs up.- It's square and school-lunch style, but awesome. My feet were pretty tired. I mostly took snap shots of a lot of things because I knew that I couldn't outrun a mugger at this point, so a lot of my pictures are on the fly.

The first night I ventured out with Andrew it was quite serendipitous. You never notice how much of life you're missing out on when you drive everywhere. Walking is therapeutic. The night air is thick with excitement. It's Independence eve and I had been assured by Joey that all the real D.C. citizens were somewhere else. Apparently celebrating the Fourth is better for the natives from afar. I suppose I feel that way when everyone comes to Miami for Spring Break. I remind them...It's Spring Break in Miami year-round. We went to this rather narrow bar. The only thing that saved it was the upstairs, which felt more spacious just by design. The stools were posh and contemporary but nothing flashier than you would see in Miami. We have the better Franchise on luxury in Miami. D.C. is rather humble. I think I take for granted that I live in such beauty because the majority of the time it's next to such strife. But I assume that's everywhere you go. Big cities all come with their benefits and dangers.

Andrew was lucky we rounded out the night out at a place with decent music and because we ended up running into some guys from Ball State (Indiana) that we met through my friend Jake at UM. Travis is living in D.C. while Marco was just happened to be visiting the same time I was. Travis reminded me so much of Jake that I felt like he was there. They could seriously be brothers except that Travis has really blonde hair and is compulsively neat. (Which is almost the inverse of Jake.) I met Jim, Sean, and Brett all for the first time. They were all nice down-to-earth guys. One thing that was awkward was that the clubs stop serving alcohol around one. And they even come around to collect your beers. That just blows. It's like Uncle Sam called up the club and reminded everyone they had a curfew. That would not fly in Miami. We ran into an acquaintance Andrew met through a good friend. He was stuck in the city and needed a place to stay. His name was Serge and would you believe it. He was from Kazakhstan. His sister is not number one prostitute, as he had to tell a drunk girl from Nepal on the street. Oh Rita ... you're a bit rude when you're looking for a bathroom. So of course Serge told her to go in the bushes. I'm glad she didn't follow his advice. He gave Andrew and I the impression that he thought Americans hated Russia and their accents. But we assured him that we don't. And then he told us about how his professor told him to come to American and piss on the Capitol building. I thought it was rather amusing he asked us how Patriotic we were before he told us. He was quite a character. He kept us up all night showing us the Kazak-Facebook. He showed us videos of Russian Rappers and this one ridiculous German song that was titled something along the lines of having the sweetest posterior in the world. He also thinks Americans are stupid for swimming in trunks. He of course wears those little speedos. That whole situation explains to me why Europeans have that whole Speedo fetish. They apparently don't have body image issues. Efficiency over fashion. But seriously...you don't need little speedos when you're swimming just for fun. It just goes to show you how different they think. We both think the other looks foolish. And we're both right for different reasons. No, he doesn't wear that lime green onesie like Borat. I know you were thinking it. He went on to tell us some other ridiculous things about his friend who is a pilot and his mom gave him a 50-seater plane as "prize" for his birthday. He also told us his mom buys a new fur coat every winter. And, "What does she do with with old ones?" Andrew asked. He's kind of an environmentalist. We could all do with being a little greener. Well, then Serge said that she cut them up and gave them to the cat. Pause. You read that correctly. She cut up MINK fur coats and gave it to the cat or threw them in the garbage. What? Maybe the plane I could have believed, but the fur coat is a little ridiculous. I'm hoping he just took us for a couple gullible Americans. but he did have a picture of that plan on his Kazak-Facebook.I guess we'll never know unless we visit him in Russia.

The next day we woke up rather late. We went to the Zoo despite the cloudy skies. Lame...just look at the pictures. Not eventful at all. They had a beautiful Panda exhibit...but no Pandas. Well, two cute little Red Pandas. But the money-makers were in a white room with no foliage sleeping. I saw them...on security cameras.

Later that day the Ball State Boys, Andrew and I decided to meet up for cocktails and view the fireworks from the nearest rooftop. Andrew and I had actually ran home through some of the stormy weather. But the guys came over and we made a few drinks. Some of us double fisted. But the excuse was one beer could only fit in two cups. There were to be no bottles on the roof and for good reason. The fireworks were shorter than I expected but they were pretty nonetheless. The boys all sung the Star Spangled banner with some accompanying voices from strangers who provided the marching band noises.

Kramer Books and Afterwards! (Friday Evening & Sunday Morning)
Well before the rain on the 4th and for breakfast on the 6th, I ate at Kramer books. I felt they needed their own paragraph. The food was very tasty. It was moderately priced but excellent service. I ordered the Crab, Tomato & Avocado Salad
jumbo lump crab cake over sliced California avocado & vine-ripened tomatoes w/fresh asparagus red onion, baby greens drizzled w/evoo & balsamic reduction. It was delicious to no end. It made me think of my cousin Alison soo much. She would have really enjoyed it. She and I share an affection to crab. It's mostly her fault I like it so much. Andrew had Chicken-friend steak.... He said it was good. I tasted a bit. It didn't beat my meal. I felt so healthy after I was done eating. But then came dessert. We ordered the Disfuntional Family Sundae which consisted of vanilla ice cream, amaretto-soaked chocolate brownie, hot fudge, nuts & whipped cream topped w/raspberry puree. It was sinful.

And for breakfast on the sixth we were given the waitress from heaven to make up for cafe Napoleon, which will be discussed in a separate paragraph of a not so upbeat nature. But our Waitress I'm gonna name her Claire, because I feel like she was a Claire. She was kind of hungover but she was sharp nonetheless. She even explained to us what Starphonics was, which was mentioned on the menu to hinder those Starbucks addicts and their "Starphonic" talk. Lattes heated to a certain temperature with a dash of orange peel and splice of cinnamon, non-fat, whip cream. That made me laugh. Great menu. I had such an entertaining time at breakfast that I can't even remember what I ate. We were just chatting and the service was seamless. It was a bit pricey but it came with Mamosas and a big orange juice and some fruit. I miss Claire and Kramer Books. We need one down here. Did I mention it was also a bookstore? We shopped around for a bit. The selection was kind of scattered, but they had cute patrons. Andrew chased off after one to no avail. Better luck next time Buster. I also forgot to mention that Sean, Marco, and Andrew decided to get their haircut at a Salon where the receptionist looked like Stewart from Mad TV ("Look what I can do.") had a love-child with one of the Fab Five from Bravo. What was even funnier was that when he came storming out of the back room, Sean thought he was Andrew with an extreme makeover. That was kind of hilarious. That's also where I found that ridiculous photo ad for that gym where you apparently can age you backwards. Isn't it ridiculous. Did you like that Big Ass Sale sign too? Really classy.

http://www.kramers.com/

Napoleon (Saturday Morning)
I got the Michaelangelo omelet. It was rather delicious. I think it had salmon in it. Anyway, besides the fact that our waitress was kind of spacey, she had a twin. Well, they might have not been twins but for this story, we'll name them Mary-Kate and Ashley. And whenever we'd say something to Mary-Kate she'd have to be reminded by Ashley. And boy could Mary-Kate not split a check. She should have just asked in one trip. She made two maybe three if memory serves me correctly. She forgot the spoons for the coffee. She took forever with just about everything. And you'd think she'd be a bit speedier for having two of her. But really I think Ashley was just the hostess. Mary-Kate and Ashley had the same hairstyle and almost the same uniform. I swear they must have been related. Anyway, the food was good. But the service...two thumbs down. I saw other waitresses there that were standing around. So many in Mary-Kate's defense, she looked like she was the only one doing any real work. It was a table of about eight guys. And another thing I forget to mention about D.C. and up north in general. A lot of things are underground. They have basements! Napoleon had a bar downstairs. I mean hopefully the bartender was better at drinks than Mary Kate was a waitressing. But I think it's cool to have a basement. It's not ideal in Miami, mostly because you'd drown in it, but it's a nice surprise about a place that it's more than meets the eye.

http://www.napoleondc.com/

There was a cool bar with a name I can't remember, but it had a nice upstairs that overlooked the downstairs and across the second floor was the DJ booth full of tunes and video equipment. The DJ made some weird mixes, but it got us pumped to dance
I went to another bar that night where the water was $4 and it was from target. I won't give them any play on here. The stupid bartender opened the waters before he told us the price. I think he was kind of deaf. Bars on the roof...kind of lame considering. . And that was when then we went to the lame bar on the roof...and that drove us home.

I think that was all the noteworthy things. I might organize this better in the morning. Metro Zoo...even though you pay, you get your money's worth. The free Zoo in D.C. Nice set up...but you need livelier animals. They were kind of lame. It was a rainy day...but I took the metro all the way out there to see 'em.

Oh and awesomeness, Metro's almost like $2 or less wherever you go. There's something about public transportation that I don't like here in Miami, but enjoy thoroughly in D.C. and Boston. NY's Subway could have been cleaner...but we'll discuss that next time. For now, point out any glaring mistakes. I can't write anymore.

I know I started off talking about ice cream. I bet you thought I forgot the relevance. But I did look in the Safeway grocer and there was no such flavor. It was funny that I remembered to search for it. My feet had actually adapted to all the walking in the city. The last day I spent just packing in the morning and sitting on the futon listening to the hustle and bustle of traffic. The sounds of the city were strange comfort food. I sat there contemplating the intricacies of life. I could imagine what my life would be like there, so close to the heart of the nation. The sirens always going off from the hospital down the street. The beeping, the chatter, the birds early in the morning. It was all very melancholic for the moment.

I walked back and forth to my suitcase, occasionally peering outside of the window onto Massachusetts Ave. Was it poignant I would really be in Massachusetts in a matter of three days? I watched the bums aimlessly roam. I sat back down on the futon and just soaked up the moment. It was the first time I took a moment to recognize the change in myself. I had travelled alone and survived. I felt like I was me for the first time. I wasn't defined by a place or by people. I was somewhat nomadic or as my friend Marc told me, peripatetic. It was just the city and I listening to each other. I memorized that scene in my life the way you would in a movie. Everything in the room was still, but the street was twittering. I was in the eye of the urban storm that is life in Washington. I suppose I'll always remember calm afternoon when I said my silent goodbye to the District of Columbia. There's a piece of my heart in Logan Circle.