I've been bumping up against the topic of cheating lately and it's getting to the point where I need to formally address the topic in an open forum such as this one. Let me just disclose that I've been single for some time now and I don't have to deal with these issues on a personal level. But I see it in the lives of my friends and the world around me. Because of this I am constantly adding to my personal theory of the ideal relationship (for myself). On the subject of cheating, I've narrowed it down to a few questions that classifies the cheating sitation you may encounter and what you might do to offset cheating or be cheated on.
As one of my friends asked, "Why is it single people think they give such great relationship advice?" The truth is that we have perspective. We're not ruled by the emotional storm that overules logical thought when it comes to relationships. We can make clear-cut decisions about things because we're not so invested that we lose sight of what is best.
The Cheated:
How long have you been in this relationship?
I'm not saying it's any better to be cheated on by someone you've just met, but sting should be a lot less. If someone cheats on you early on that has more to say about them than it does about you. Just let it go and move on. Don't try to salvage that situation. Even if they've said the three magic words, even if you have this crazy intense connection. Unless you can learn to live polygamously, you're not going to be happy in the long run.
But for the people who have been together for years, I know that it takes two people to maintain a relationship, but this excuse for cheating, in my opinion, is weak. An emotional agreement shouldn't be breached in retaliation of what someone has or hasn't done if the other party haven't clearly expressed to them their failure to provide emotionally or otherwise. The more arguments you have, the more you are aware of what's wrong. But if you turn those arguments into clear conversation, then you avoid anyone breaching their end of the bargain. You shouldn't have to destroy your relationships just to get out of them.
What is your level of commitment?
Commitment isn't black and white. Knowing the parameters of your commitment can help avoid confusion. Just because someone is your boyfriend, doesn't mean they know all of what that entails. Love, honor, and cherish are very broad concepts. Mary and Joseph didn't have the same experience. And there sure as heck didn't have Facebook. People have more access to each other, and that is a good and bad thing. People are less likely to stay in relationships because they often find a seemingly more lucrative offer waiting in the wings.
Now, you can make a specific relationship contract for yourself, but it might just become tedious to upkeep. All the checkoffs and lists will only drive to to penny-pinch loving and that should not be your goal. Open communication is essential, even if it's awkward, even if it hurts. The truth really does set you free. The reason people hold back from speaking up is because they're scared of the other person's reaction. If you express that you are open to criticisms, the other person should let you know. If they don't, it's their fault that they are unhappy. If they do, and you don't address their concerns you have to expect that their will be consequences. They could just learn to live with it, or they could learn to live without it. They could just decide to live without you.
Why did, or why do you think, the cheating occured?
Most cheating is carnal. Somebody gets caught up in physical situation that overtakes logic. Sex is like any other drug. People will seek out new forms if the regular stuff isn't cutting it. Is that your fault? No, some people are hard wired cheaters. The trend is that people of divorced parents (usually from infidelity) tend to be cheaters. I don't use that rule. But I've seen cases where it's so horribly true. Sometimes people try so hard not to become their parents that they mirror them exactly and have the nerve to call themselves a "Hopeless romantic." No, you're totally "romantically hopeless," But your partner is changing every day and so are you. The challenge is keeping each other informed of the ways you're changing. If your values and needs are diverging you'll know it. The only way to get this information is to talk about it.
What do you think are the long term affects?
What I've noticed from people who have been cheated on is their inability to trust new relationships. It's not true in all cases, because I know people who've went on to great relationships after being cheated on. I don't know what the success method is, but I'll check it out and get back to you. But it's my beacon for people being able to trust again. I know it's hard, but it can be done. I've seen it with my own two eyes.
One behavior I have seen perpetuated is people who have been cheated on, now rationalize that they can't be in a serious relationship. And when they are, they have to cheat on the other person before they get cheated on. The rationale behind that was so that just in case they get burned, they wouldn't be the only one in the fire. I still think it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, but in Miami strange things tend to happen.
Thinking about all those questions helps you clarify what you've been through and how you need to move forward. This following link is for a book that is mostly geared towards women. But men seem to be less vocal about break-ups. We can't all be Noah Calhoun.
Frisky's Break Up Guide
The Cheaters:
Can I learn from my mistake?
Most people won't agree with this, but cheating doesn't make you a bad person. It's just one of those things in life that can happen when you make bad judgments. Bob Marley was a cheater, yet he is one of the most awesome musicians in history. Curiosity is a powerful emotion. Sometimes it kills a cat, and sometimes it gets you to outer space.
If you've cheated or are cheating continually you need to find out the root of the problem. At some point yes you become a horrible person, and then you get low self-esteem. And then you get trapped in this self-fulfilling prophesy of being this bad person. So yea, learn from it and move on.
Can my relationship be salvaged?
Absolutely, given that your partner is willing. People have forgiven worse things.
What do I do if I am tempted to cheat?
Cheating is more of a choice than a disease. It's not like they have a Cheaters Anonymous group.
(And as I said this to myself...I had to google just to double check, and what do you know? There was a group!)http://cheatersanonymous.ca/default.asp. But if you're having deep seated issues this post probably isn't going to fix that. But learn to identify what is making you want to stray. Often times a new friend can be the cause of relationship strife. When you get excited about someone who shares your interest it can seem confusing. You interactions can become unknowingly inappropriate. It's best just to talk to you partner and find out what they think. Someone you love has the power to be deeply perceptive about your personality. If a new friendship is threatening your current relationship, you might want to rethink the risk. Remember the rule of 80/20 rule. Most relationships will give you 80% of what you want in the long run. That 20% of excitement and newness can lead you astray. So once you've found that 80% don't put it in jeopardy for temptation.
Are there situations where cheating is allowed?
No. Everyone deserves respect. Even if the person you're with is a Grade-A jerk, just break it off. Don't play that dumb game of suspecting someone is cheating, so you do the same. I hate to see that.
So the link below is the reason I started this post way back when. I am still working on it, so let me know what you think.
9 Reasons Why Men Cheat
